Bro-Bating

Scott and Chris their most-watched (to date) We Got Balls podcast video by referencing a GQ article where Paul McCartney discusses masturbating with John Lennon and the rest of the Beatles. He describes it as “not a big thing,” and “good, harmless fun.” Does his reaction to masturbating with a group of other men surprise you? Shouldn’t he have been ashamed? Aren’t they both gay for doing that?

With some research indicating that as high as 50% of men admit to participating in some form of group masturbation in their developmental years, it’s worth a deeper look at what this experience means. At the end of the episode, Chris states, “Whether it’s right or wrong isn’t the issue. What it’s bringing up in you is the issue.”

What does bro-bating bring up for you?

What is bro-bating?

Bro-bating is masturbating with friends. The group might all have their penises out and visible, masturbating together while watching porn. Or, like several examples shared by Scott in the video, bro-bating might be done in a dark cave on a tour of Israel (because why not) or in an art theatre in Seattle where men pay to take part.

Many bro-bating experiences occur when we’re young, perhaps going through puberty and having a sleepover at a friend’s house. Maybe a friend turns on porn as everyone watches. The feeling of belonging isn’t difficult to imagine: 3 friends share the experience of all feeling sexually aroused at the same time, helping validate in an embodied vulnerability with one another their changing bodies and surging hormones in the act of masturbating. 

Others stumble upon this act or desire in middle age, maybe seemingly out of nowhere. One of the stories shared in the video articulates a common but often confusing desire: a straight, middle-aged, married guy suddenly finds himself desiring bro-bation in his 40’s or 50’s.

Are all these men gay? Not even close. While there isn’t a ton of research available on this topic, Scott cites several surveys that indicate a significant percentage of those who participate in bro-bating identify as straight. 

The Goodness of Belonging

There is arousal, pleasure, and belonging wrapped up in mutual masturbation. When contrasted by statistics on male loneliness and the subversion of male spaces, connection, bonding, and community, it’s no wonder this is a common desire.

Quoting from Dane Ortlund’s Gentle & Lowly, he cites research from Richard Godbeer, professor of history at Virginia Commonwealth:

“...but we need not even retreat to historic or even Christian authors to learn that we today have lamentably impoverished the category even of friendship between humans, perhaps especially among men. Richard Godbeer… has shown through an extensive review of written correspondence that male friendship has been greatly diluted in the present time when compared with the richness of healthy, nonerotic affection between men in colonial America.”

Gaybraham Lincoln?

How about one more, this time from Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Lincoln biography, Team of Rivals:

“No longer a boy but not yet an established adult, Lincoln ended years of emotional deprivation and intellectual solitude by building his first and deepest friendship with Speed. Openly acknowledging the strength of this attachment, the two pledged themselves to a lifelong bond of friendship. Those who knew Lincoln well pointed to Speed as his “most intimate friend,” the only person to whom he ever disclosed his secret thoughts. “You know my desire to befriend you is everlasting,” Lincoln assured Speed, “that I will never cease, while I know how to do any thing.”

“Some have suggested that there may have been a sexual relationship between Lincoln and Speed. Their intimacy, however, like the relationship between Seward and Berdan and, as we shall see, between Chase and Stanton, is more an index to an era when close male friendships, accompanied by open expressions of affection and passion, were familiar and socially acceptable. Nor can sharing a bed be considered evidence of erotic involvement. It was common practice in an era when private quarters were a rare luxury, when males regularly slept in the same bed as children and continued to do so in academies, boardinghouses, and overcrowded hotels.”

The emptiness I feel in my gut when I reread those paragraphs leads me to feel more painfully the lack of felt belonging in my own life. Can you relate? Is it any wonder that we hunger for a sense of belonging that used to be commonplace to men of previous generations?

What Do You Desire?

We come back to Chris’ words: “Whether it’s right or wrong isn’t the issue. What it’s bringing up in you is the issue.” Jumping to label bro-bating as gay or not gay, right or wrong, misses the point. What do you desire? What does your soul hunger for? What does bro-bating mean to you? 

Whether you’ve experienced it, want to experience it, or have an aversion to it, it’s worth exploring why. This is an extremely common experience for all men, and for good reason. Our cultural moment has left us lonely, unfathered or underfathered, with few dedicated male spaces for the development and experience of healthy masculinity. Often, our sexual desires and actions lead us, when questioned, to the deeper desire within.

What is that desire for you?

Be kind to yourself. It’s the only way we change.