I Don't Know What My Purpose Is

When it came time to choose a college major, I remember going through the entire catalog one-by-one looking for something that felt right or caught my eye. I was nearly in tears by the end, feeling that I had no purpose or interests. I often felt like others were born with talents or interests that led them naturally where they were supposed to go and I wasn’t.

Feelings of aimlessness and meaninglessness are staple meals in the diet of a person who carries the wounds of trauma, but especially when it comes to finding fulfilling work. Work and meaning occupy the final stage and pyramid apex in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. If your physical and relational needs aren’t being met, it’s completely natural that your self-actualization needs aren’t either.

If you’re like me, here are 3 reasons you might have struggled to find vocational meaning in your life:

1. Meaning is cultivated far more in other things first. Arthur Brooks, a Harvard Professor that studies Happiness, states that meaning is found in faith, family, friendship, and work. A fulfilling job won’t backfill the first 3, but the first 3 will begin to spill over into the fourth.

2. Because many of us with trauma learned to live in our left-brain as a way to survive, focusing on work instead of relationship feels way more natural. We learned to outthink our emotions, focus on goals, and to earn our love through accomplishment. This doesn’t work because we learn who we are in relationship with others. However, our relationships were often the places of our greatest harm, so avoiding connection and seeking meaning in safer places is natural (even if ineffective).

3. We live in survival mode. If you grew up without having your emotions regulated by a parent, you probably have lived with a lot of anxiousness on the red end of the spectrum, or a lot of numb listlessness on the blue end. Meaning, belonging, and self-actualization aren’t cultivated in those states, and that isn’t your fault. How are you supposed to know what to pursue vocationally when you aren’t being cared for relationally? It doesn’t work that way.

What Is Healthy Attunement?

Side note, what’s supposed to happen growing up is this: little Jimmy comes home from school and has a hint of sadness on his face. He walks in the house and begins talking with his mom. Mom notices (attunes to) his sadness, and asks him, “Jimmy, you seem a little sad, is everything okay?” Jimmy tells his mom that a group of kids made fun of the picture he drew at school and starts crying. Mom hugs Jimmy and says, “that had to really hurt your feelings when those kids made fun of you, didn’t it? I’m here with you now, you can share anything you want with me.” She helps Jimmy feel his big feelings and bring him back to a regulated emotional state. Jimmy might need to bring it up and process it again, but he feels better and can go back to feeling whole and connected.

Jimmy learns how to regulate his big emotions by first co-regulating with his parents. He experiences “feeling felt,” which is another way to say he experiences being loved. Eventually, with enough practice, he learns to auto-regulate (self-regulate). Jimmy spends much more time in a regulated state where he is calm, creative, and curious. So, by the time Jimmy reaches adulthood, he has much more insight into himself and what he’d enjoy doing for work. He has spent many more hours in an emotional state that gives him the ability to even consider things like vocational interest.

If you didn’t get that, it isn’t your fault. And you can heal. And nothing is wasted. Jimmy doesn’t just win and have a better life because he grew up well. Redeemed suffering provides tremendous purpose.

Looking Deeper Than Work

For the last 7 years, I’ve worked in sales. It was the only place I could find a job after college and 6 months of fruitless searching. I was broke and desperate. I hated it immediately and burned out hard 4 months in. I quit, vowing to never work in sales again. Yet nearly 8 years later, here I am. Something interesting is that I’ve had times where I’m positive about my work, and upon reflection it’s during those times when I’m feeling close with family, friends, and God, and I’m seeing a path forward in my life in some way (healing or wholeness, hopeful in general). I have to remind myself of that because I forget how work is often my scapegoat for other struggles I have going on, and often feeling better in other areas helps me feel better about work too.

No, sales will never be a great fit for me. But it isn’t my main problem. It isn’t the reason I feel depressed or anxious or numb.

And yes, I think we should continue searching for work that aligns closer with our hearts. But that should be secondary to the first 3 pillars Arthur Brooks talks about above. When faith, family, and friendships are strong, work comes naturally into focus next.

Your Story Matters More Than Your Gifts

I'll leave you with this beautiful quote from Adam Young from his book Make Sense of Your Story:  “Looking at your story gives you a robust understanding, in time, of your calling. Of who you are supposed to be in this world and what you are called to do in this world. Your calling is a function of your story, not primarily a function of your gifting.”

Your greatest contribution to this world won't be from your gifts - your athleticism, intelligence, or beauty, or lack of - it will be from your story and the ways you've suffered and healed.