Essentials for Recovery - 90 Day Sobriety Quick Start
Join Sexcessful Men coaches Scott Cone and Rudi van Wyck for an information-packed 60-minute webinar that will get your recovery journey...
You're stuck. You've been struggling with a porn addiction and you're trying to keep it a secret while you defeat it on your own. You're a strong guy. You should be able to do this!
Every time you fall, you swear THIS TIME will be the last. So you read some recovery books, watch some YouTube videos on avoiding porn, join a Facebook group for accountability, maybe even go to a Bible study or group for a while and promise you'll do better. But it never works out.
And every time you fall you feel helpless, hopeless, worthless. Why fight any longer?
But there is hope and it starts by recognizing that porn is most likely not your problem, it's your solution. No, I'm not telling you to give in. I'm telling you porn or sexually acting out with others is your solution to your real problem...the shame you've always felt for never fitting in as one of the guys, the physical, emotional or sexual abuse you experienced as a little boy or teen. That nagging sense of futility and frustration with the life you have instead of the life you want.
However you got in this place of struggle, let us help you find the way out of addiction and into a thriving new life where you can face the good and the bad life has to throw at you with a joy and peace that your old habit can never offer.
Take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. It's FREE and completely confidential.
Our coaching program is developed around the Six Types of Sexual Addiction model, developed by Dr. Doug Weiss, one of the nations leading sexual addiction therapists. We help our clients recognize which of the addiction types make up their unique addiction mix then develop a recovery plan that will help you get and stay sober and build a new life where addiction gets pushed out by the power of a new affection and a new life filled with community, hope and unbreakable love.
Those of us struggling with trauma-based sexual addiction expereinced signifcant wounds to our sexuality as children or adolescents. Again, over 80 percent of sex addicts have experienced abuse, including sexual abuse. Our sexual fantasies and acting out become ways of trying to resolve the trauma on our terms instead of being sujbect to our abusers. We were victomized by others growing up and now we victimize ourselves.
About 30 percent of sex addicts struggle with some form of mood disorder as part of their addiction mix. Those of us with depression have chemical imbalances in the brain we are seeking to regulate with the sexual neurochemicals. Sexual release becomes a way to moderate moods and the brain chemical imbalances. But, the repetitive use of sex as medicine creates the dependence that leads to addiction.
About 30 percent of addicts fit a pattern of withholding love, affection, affirmation and intimacy from their significant other. Many of us who struggle with frequent relapses may have this addictive pattern as well, which leads to the continual sabotaging of the relationship and repetitive acting out. If you've been sober from acting out but things are still not improving with your spouse, addictive intimacy anorexia may be undermining your most important human relationship.
A biological sexual addiction develops with the use of excessive pornography and masturbation use. The repetitive reinforcing behavior and orgasm reward hijacks our sexual arousal template and responses to attaching to images and fantasy. We may experience challenges with relational sex. Most men have biological sexual addiction as a component of their unique addiction mix but according to Dr. Weiss, only about 15 percent are solely biologically based.
About 80 percent of those struggling with sexual addiction have experienced some form of emotional, physical or sexual abuse , abandonment or neglect prior to their 18th birthday. These family-of-origin wounds set us up for a lifetime of sexual struggle as we combine the messages desire and being wanted offered in sexual fantasy and porn with the sexual chemcial cocktail released in our brains as a drug to soothe our aiching souls.
Those of us struggling with a spritual-based form of sexual addiction are literally looking for God in all the wrong places. According to the Bible, God has set eternity in our hearts that we might search after Him. After all, if we have an infinite void in our hearts, then it can only be filled by an infinite thing...and the only infinite thing is God. When we try to fill this void in our hearts with finite, temporary things like sex, we're always going to be disappointed. And, the Apostle Paul says that dark evil forces are behind every idol. We wrestle not against flesh and blood.
Personalized for Where You Are and Where You Want to Go
We offer a flexible coaching model with modules designed to meet the needs of your unique background and current struggle.
For high-profile men like pastors or executives who need to work on their recovery in complete confidence, we'll provide a recovery program specifically tailored to your need to get and stay sober in complete confidentiality.
Weekly coaching sessions to help you develop a plan to get you headed in the right direction. Daily check-ins and on-call emergency access give you the support you need to make positive changes.
Get together weekly with other Christian men who know the struggle...online or in-person (Houston-only)...to build meaningful relationships, go through a recovery curriculum and learn to fight side-by-side with other men.
As a smaller group drawn from your weekly Iron Man Recovery Group as well as other trusted partners that allow you to stay connected throughout your week and effectively fight the battles that crop up during your day.
These are some of the first books I read right before or after entering recovery. I highly recommend them. Reading good books is part of any man's successful recovery journey. Let's face it men, most of us want to expend the least amount of effort and get the most benefit. That's just plain laziness. Instead of doing the least you can do in recovery, adopt an "optimized thinking" strategy, doing the maximum you can do.
All testimonials are provided by actual coaching clients but the names and images have been changed to protect the individual's privacy.
Images of individuals are models and are not actual clients.
When I met Scott, it was during a time of utter darkness and despair. My wife had just discovered I had been committing adultery and I was also deeply addicted to porn. Scott worked with me where I was and cared for me deeply. I was literally doing as I was told (I trusted the process, discipline and the reality I needed community to beat this). He helped me understand the difference between shame and guilt. God used him greatly to give me hope and to believe that freedom was attainable through Christ! His daily coaching proved life-changing. I would not be married right now or enjoying the family and life I have if it wasn’t because of his ministry and coaching. I highly highly recommend him.
Kansas City, Mo
Before working with Scott, my addiction was out of hand and I was hopeless. It didn’t matter how much I resisted temptation or prayed for God to take my addiction away because I would always eventually give in. I was fighting alone and I did not know what was wrong with me. After Scott took me under his wing I have realized there is so much more to my sexual addiction than I would have ever imagined. Pornography wasn’t my problem, but my solution to my underlying issues. Scott has been able to see the things I couldn’t see on my own. Scott has not only been a great recovery coach but a very good friend. God has used him to give me hope for a life filled with freedom.
A friend connected me to Scott at a crucial time in my life when I felt like I had tried everything to kick my porn addiction—software, books, groups, counseling, programs, etc. Having a coach who had been through this addiction himself was a huge change from past attempts—and it showed in my almost immediate growth. I would not be on the mission field right now we’re it not for the help I got from Scott. This addiction was more than a nuisance or bad habit; it was stifling and preventing me from living a godly, full life with purpose.
Working with Scott has provided me with the tools, systems, accountability, connections, and motivation to really got on track with sustainable recovery and sexual sobriety. Before working with Scott, I was floundering in my recovery. Since working with Scott, I have made tremendous strides in finding, honoring, and releasing my God-given sexuality and masculinity. I would highly encourage anyone who is ready to get serious about their recovery to engage his help. He will challenge, inspire, and cheer for you to become the best husband, father, friend and brother that God has already designed you to be.
San Diego, Ca
Scott made the deep and often intangible process of recovery practical. I had tried so many different groups and programs before meeting him. Most were good, but I still felt alone and stuck in my addiction cycle, always coming back to deep shame and hopelessness. Having a mentor like Scott was a game-changer. I learned practical steps to address the deep brokenness in my life. With Scott’s consistent love and encouragement, I started to really understand my SSA and addiction. He walked me through processing past traumas and current temptations in new ways. I am so much more confident and secure in the truth of my masculinity now. He was the key God used to unlock so much of the freedom I was searching for.
I met Scott after attending after a three-day intensive program geared towards sex addition. I remembered the first time I spoke with him and how open he was about sharing his story and his outstanding willingness to support me in my recovery journey. Scott has been an incredible mentor and coach throughout this process. He has enabled me to realize a potential and confidence I thought I had already lost. Scott is extremely knowledgeable regarding sexual addiction and he equips you with the right tools and resources to grow and experience a healthy, new life. He is not only a great spiritual man of God but also understands the psychological aspects of what people struggling with sex addiction go through. He will challenge you and encourage you to become a better man.
I met Scott shortly after confessing to my wife that I had extramarital sex and an on-going pornography addiction for 22 years. Scott has been a mentor, friend, coach, and father to me through the journey of recovery. Without a doubt, he has become one of the most significant male figures in my life as he has coached me to the depths of reconciling my past sexual abuse, psychological abuse, shame, and emotional longings. He has continually pointed me to Jesus, the source of true healing and lasting change while also providing daily tactical support in moving away from reliance on unhealthy sexual behavior. It is hard to put the journey into words, but Scott is truly gifted at challenging, loving, holding accountable, and pointing to hope. He has been a major factor in my recovery journey as I move from addictive coping, to healthy relationships.
I started Sexcessful Men because I wanted to take what I'd been doing on a volunteer basis and make it available to more men full-time. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a recovered addict, I know what it's like to struggle.
I've experienced the joy that true heart-change can bring to my life and relationships. And, I know I didn't do it on my own. I had a band of brothers to fight by my side. I had a mentor who I could call on at any moment.
My recovery experience helped me find freedom from years of struggling in shame and silence and I want to make that available to as many Christian men as possible so they can not only experience freedom for themselves but turn around and help other men.
This is our mission...to free the captives and to train faithful men to train other faithful men. Satan is stronger than the individual man but he's not stronger than two men with Jesus in the middle. This is what we offer. This is our why.