Essentials for Recovery - 90 Day Sobriety Quick Start
Join Sexcessful Men coaches Scott Cone and Rudi van Wyck for an information-packed 60-minute webinar that will get your recovery journey...
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Welcome!
You're stuck. You've been struggling with a porn addiction...or you're sexually acting out. You're increasingly isolated, keeping secrets, hating yourself and trying to escape the crushing shame as you desperately work to defeat this compulsive behavior on your own. You're a strong guy. You should be able to do this!
Every time you fall, you swear THIS TIME will be the last. So, you read some recovery books, watch some YouTube videos on avoiding porn, join a Facebook group for accountability, maybe even go to a Bible study or group for a while, get accountability software and promise you'll do better. But it never works out.
And every time you fall you feel helpless, hopeless, worthless. Why fight any longer?
But there is hope and it starts by recognizing that your unwanted sexual desires and behaviors are not your problem, they're really your solution. Solution for what?
The shame you've always felt for never fitting in as one of the guys. The physical, emotional or sexual abuse you experienced as a little boy or teen. That nagging sense of futility and frustration with the life you have instead of the life you really want.
Self-defeating sexual behaviors, like any addictive behaviors, is a strategy learned in childhood to escape overwhelming heartache and emotional pain. The complex trauma that creates addictive behaviors develops in our family of origin and is compounded by other formative traumas like sexual and physical abuse, bullying, racisism and other traumatic and adverse childhood experiences.
We'll help you help you find healing from the effects of complex trauma with an integrated approach combining several trauma-healing modalities, in both individual and group coaching sessions designed to help you leave addictive sexual behavior in the past and discover a thriving, new life where you can face the good and the bad life has to throw at you with a joy and peace that your old habit can never offer.
Not Sure If You're Sexually Addicted?
Take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. It's FREE and completely confidential.
ADVERSE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES
The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score was developed to give you a quick way to assess the role that trauma might be playing in your life. Because trauma is the cause as well the source of the ongoing damage of a host of problems from addictions and mental and physical illness, it's important for every man to understand the role trauma has played in his developmental environment, his ability to regulate his affect, the formation of his attachment style, self-identity and way of being in the world.
the six types of sexual addiction
Our coaching program considers what factors might be playing out in your sexual addiction style. We help our clients recognize which of the addiction types make up their unique addiction mix then develop a recovery plan that will help get and stay connected in a community of other men that will help you leave your unwanted behavior in the past.
1. BIOLOGICAL
A biological sexual addiction develops with the use of excessive pornography and masturbation. The repetitive reinforcing behavior and orgasm reward hijacks our dopamine pathways, our sexual arousal template sand responses attaching to images and fantasy. We may experience challenges with relational sex. Most men have biological sexual addiction as a component of their unique addiction mix but according to Dr. Weiss, only about 15 percent are solely biologically based.
2. PSYCHOLOGICAL
About 80 percent of those struggling with sexual addiction have experienced some form of emotional, physical or sexual abuse , abandonment or neglect prior to their 18th birthday. These family-of-origin wounds set us up for a lifetime of sexual struggle as we combine the messages desire and being wanted offered in sexual fantasy and porn with the sexual chemcial cocktail released in our brains as a drug to soothe our aiching souls.
3. SPIRITUAL
Those of us struggling with a spritual-based form of sexual addiction are literally looking for God in all the wrong places. According to the Bible, God has set eternity in our hearts that we might search after Him. After all, if we have an infinite void in our hearts, then it can only be filled by an infinite thing...and the only infinite thing is God. When we try to fill this void in our hearts with finite, temporary things like sex, we're always going to be disappointed. And, the Apostle Paul says that dark evil forces are behind every idol. We wrestle not against flesh and blood.
4. TRAUMA-BASED
Those of us struggling with trauma-based sexual addiction expereinced signifcant wounds to our sexuality as children or adolescents. It's estimated over one-third of men worldwide will bey sexually abused by their 18th birtday, with the overwhelming number of perpetrators of male sexual abuse being perpetrated by other males. Over 80 percent of those with sexual addiction have experienced sexual abuse. Our sexual fantasies and acting out become ways of trying to resolve the trauma on our terms instead of being sujbect to our abusers. We were victomized by others growing up and now we victimize ourselves.
5. MOOD DISORDER
About 30 percent of sex addicts struggle with some form of mood disorder as part of their addiction mix. Those of us with depression have chemical imbalances in the brain we are seeking to regulate with the sexual neurochemicals. Sexual release becomes a way to moderate moods and the brain chemical imbalances. But, the repetitive use of sex as medicine creates the dependence that leads to addiction.
6. INTIMACY ANOREXIA
About 30 percent of addicts fit a pattern of withholding love, affection, affirmation and intimacy from their significant other. Many of us who struggle with frequent relapses may have this addictive pattern as well, which leads to the continual sabotaging of the relationship and repetitive acting out. If you've been sober from acting out but things are still not improving with your spouse, addictive intimacy anorexia may be undermining your most important human relationship.
SEXUAL ADDICTION RECOVERY COACHING SERVICES
Personalized for Where You Are and Where You Want to Go
We offer a flexible coaching model with modules designed to meet the needs of your unique background and current struggle.
CONCIERGE ONE-ON-ONE COACHING
For high-profile men like pastors or executives who need to work on their recovery in complete confidentiality, we'll provide a recovery program specifically tailored to your needs for healing in a safe context.
ONE-ON-ONE COACHING
Weekly coaching sessions to help you develop a plan to get you headed in the right direction. Daily check-ins and on-call emergency access give you the support you need to make positive changes.
BAND OF BROTHERS
MENS SOUL CARE WEEKLY SMALL GROUPS
Get together weekly with other Christian men who know the struggle...online or in-person (Houston-only)...to build meaningful relationships, go through a recovery curriculum and learn to fight side-by-side with other men.
WEEKEND INTENSIVES
A small group of men meeting in-person or online Thursday evening to Sunday midday in both small group and one-on-one sessions to engage the formative traumas leading to sexual struggles, current life stressors that keep us bound to self-defeating behaviors and creating a post-traumatic growth plan to pursue your passionate purpose in a community of men on the same healing journey.
TESTIMONIALS
All testimonials are provided by actual coaching clients but the names and images have been changed to protect the individual's privacy.
Images of individuals are models and are not actual clients.
DERECK
Houston, Tx
When I met Scott, it was during a time of utter darkness and despair. My wife had just discovered I had been committing adultery and I was also deeply addicted to porn. Scott worked with me where I was and cared for me deeply. I was literally doing as I was told (I trusted the process, discipline and the reality I needed community to beat this). He helped me understand the difference between shame and guilt. God used him greatly to give me hope and to believe that freedom was attainable through Christ! His daily coaching proved life-changing. I would not be married right now or enjoying the family and life I have if it wasn’t because of his ministry and coaching. I highly highly recommend him.
MARK
Kansas City, Mo
Before working with Scott, my addiction was out of hand and I was hopeless. It didn’t matter how much I resisted temptation or prayed for God to take my addiction away because I would always eventually give in. I was fighting alone and I did not know what was wrong with me. After Scott took me under his wing I have realized there is so much more to my sexual addiction than I would have ever imagined. Pornography wasn’t my problem, but my solution to my underlying issues. Scott has been able to see the things I couldn’t see on my own. Scott has not only been a great recovery coach but a very good friend. God has used him to give me hope for a life filled with freedom.
BRADLY
Europe
A friend connected me to Scott at a crucial time in my life when I felt like I had tried everything to kick my porn addiction—software, books, groups, counseling, programs, etc. Having a coach who had been through this addiction himself was a huge change from past attempts—and it showed in my almost immediate growth. I would not be on the mission field right now we’re it not for the help I got from Scott. This addiction was more than a nuisance or bad habit; it was stifling and preventing me from living a godly, full life with purpose.
DERECK
Detriot, Mi
Working with Scott has provided me with the tools, systems, accountability, connections, and motivation to really got on track with sustainable recovery and sexual sobriety. Before working with Scott, I was floundering in my recovery. Since working with Scott, I have made tremendous strides in finding, honoring, and releasing my God-given sexuality and masculinity. I would highly encourage anyone who is ready to get serious about their recovery to engage his help. He will challenge, inspire, and cheer for you to become the best husband, father, friend and brother that God has already designed you to be.
MARTIN
San Diego, Ca
Scott made the deep and often intangible process of recovery practical. I had tried so many different groups and programs before meeting him. Most were good, but I still felt alone and stuck in my addiction cycle, always coming back to deep shame and hopelessness. Having a mentor like Scott was a game-changer. I learned practical steps to address the deep brokenness in my life. With Scott’s consistent love and encouragement, I started to really understand my SSA and addiction. He walked me through processing past traumas and current temptations in new ways. I am so much more confident and secure in the truth of my masculinity now. He was the key God used to unlock so much of the freedom I was searching for.
DAVID
Layfayette, In
I met Scott after attending after a three-day intensive program geared towards sex addition. I remembered the first time I spoke with him and how open he was about sharing his story and his outstanding willingness to support me in my recovery journey. Scott has been an incredible mentor and coach throughout this process. He has enabled me to realize a potential and confidence I thought I had already lost. Scott is extremely knowledgeable regarding sexual addiction and he equips you with the right tools and resources to grow and experience a healthy, new life. He is not only a great spiritual man of God but also understands the psychological aspects of what people struggling with sex addiction go through. He will challenge you and encourage you to become a better man.
SAM
Atlanta, Ga
I met Scott shortly after confessing to my wife that I had extramarital sex and an on-going pornography addiction for 22 years. Scott has been a mentor, friend, coach, and father to me through the journey of recovery. Without a doubt, he has become one of the most significant male figures in my life as he has coached me to the depths of reconciling my past sexual abuse, psychological abuse, shame, and emotional longings. He has continually pointed me to Jesus, the source of true healing and lasting change while also providing daily tactical support in moving away from reliance on unhealthy sexual behavior. It is hard to put the journey into words, but Scott is truly gifted at challenging, loving, holding accountable, and pointing to hope. He has been a major factor in my recovery journey as I move from addictive coping, to healthy relationships.
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ABOUT SEXCESSFUL MEN
Our Why
We stated Sexcessful Men because we wanted to invite men to a better way of dealing with sexual struggles. As a survivor of childhood trauma and sexual abuse and recovered addicts, we know what it's like to struggle and fail. We know the"Just Stop It!" and "Try Harder!" approach will work for a time but ultimately fail. And, we've discovered a better way...a way that leads to significant and lasting change.
We believe we cannot take anyone further than we've been willing to go ourselves and so we don't offer men anything other than what we've done and what's worked for us. We've experienced the joy that true heart-change can bring to our lives and relationships. And, I know we didn't do it on our own. We had a band of brothers to fight by our side and who we could call on when we needed them the most.
Our recovery experience helped us find freedom from years of struggling in shame and silence and we want to make that available to as many men as possible so they can not only experience freedom for themselves but turn around and help other men.
This is our mission...to free the captives and to train faithful men to train other faithful men. Evil is stronger than any individual man but it's not stronger than two men with Jesus in the middle. This is what we offer. This is our WHY.
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